Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
