The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
