i just wanna soil my oats bro
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
