I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
