cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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