Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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