Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
