Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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