I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
