I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
