I haven't been this sober since birth.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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