Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
