There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
