This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
