if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
