Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Randomize
