ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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