I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize