I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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