there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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