LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Randomize
