Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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