Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
That's how pantless uber rides happen
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
