There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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