I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
