he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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