fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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