I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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