I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Why did my mother make you get naked?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
