Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
