She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
