apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Bring me that man meat
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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