Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize