i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
so much tequila, so little girl.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
