Ambien. No doubt about it.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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