Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
