Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
