mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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