True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
