Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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