I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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