i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
