i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
