I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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