you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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