I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
