I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
