Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
