He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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