did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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