he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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