Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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