I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Randomize
