I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
