I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize