so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
