Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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