Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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